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To all members: Most of what you will find on this page is not aviation humor but much of it relates to our ages, our infirmities and our hobbies. If you see something on the Internet that you find clever or something that may give us all a chance to smile, send it to us and we’ll put it on this page. Below are some starters.



Scotch with two drops of water
Credits to Ron Spiker #3836

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today....'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'

Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.

A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

Going braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.

An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.


You are not sure these are jokes.

"Interesting Facts"
credits to Tom Cassidy #3883

They say you should learn something every day. So here we go with 11 questions and their answers:-

1. Q: Why are many coin savings banks shaped like pigs?
A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called 'pygg'. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as 'pygg banks.' When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a bank that resembled a pig. And it caught on.

2. Q: Did you ever wonder why old sovereigns, shillings and sixpences had notches or milling round the edges, while pennies did not?
A: The Royal Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of the precious metals. Sovereigns were gold and shillings and sixpence pieces were notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and aren't notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave.

3. Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?
A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right! Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. And that's where women's buttons have remained since.

4. Q. Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?
A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

5. Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called 'passing the buck'?
A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility, he would 'pass the buck' to the next player.

6. Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would then just touch or clink the host's glass with his own.

7. Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?
A: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and stage lighting by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, performers on stage 'in the limelight' were seen by the audience to be the center of attention.

8. Q: Why do ships and aircraft in trouble use 'mayday' as their call for help?
A: This comes from the French word m'aidez - meaning 'help me' – and is pronounced 'mayday.'

9. Q: Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?
A: Types of clouds were numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.

10. Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?
A: In France , where tennis first became popular, a big, round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French for 'egg.' When tennis was introduced in the US , Americans pronounced it 'love.'

11. Q: In golf, where did the term 'Caddie' come from?
A. When Mary, later Queen of Scots, went to France as a young girl (for education & survival), Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scot game 'golf.' So he had the first golf course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into 'caddie.'

Inconclusive travel plans for all of 2014

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.

People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.


Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year. You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person. My job is done!

You might want to adopt this rule for your everyday behavior: "Life is short. Smile while you still have your teeth."

From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty well in mine!

Author - anon


You Know an Old Freight Dog When

*Your airplane was getting old when you were born.
. You have not done a daylight landing in the past six months.
. ATC advises you of smoother air at a different altitude, and you don't give a shit.
. When you taxi up to an FBO they roll out the red carpet, but quickly take it back when they recognize you.
. You call the hotel van to pick you up and they don't understand where you are on the airport.
. Center asks you to "keep the chickens down" so they can hear you talk.
. Your airplane has more than 75,000 cycles.
. Your company call sign is "Oil Can".
. The lady at the FBO locks up the popcorn machine because you plan on "making a meal of it".
. Your airplane has more than eight faded logos on it.
. You wear the same shirt for a week, and no one complains.
. Center mispronounces your call sign more than three times in one flight.
. Your Director of Operations mysteriously changes your max. take off weight during the holiday season.
. Every FBO makes you park out of sight of their building.
. You have ever walked barefoot through the FBO............ because you just woke up.
. You mark every ramp with engine oil.
. Everything you own is in you flight bag and suitcase.
. All the other pilots wait for you to "test the squall line" first.
. All the other airlines hold to see if you get in.
. You request the visual approach with 300' overcast and ˝ SM vis.
. You make no attempt to deviate around weather.
- You don't bother to check the weather because you're going anyways.
- You have an emotional reunion with your newly assigned Beech 99 because you used to fuel it 25 years earlier when it only had 18,000 cycles on it and the windows weren't painted over.
- You've slept more nights at Willow Run than in the house you grew up in.
- Upper management thinks a derelict fuel truck for you to sleep in is a "crew domicile".
- You hope to someday make it to the big time... Atlas Cargo.
- You carry your own personal step ladder in the back of the aircraft.
- you've changed tires, starter generators, and ADI's but you're neither an A&P or an avionics tech.
- you have a secret Mexican family in Del Rio, Texas.
- The tip tanks also serve as an alarm clock when they run dry.
- You become VERY proficient at nightime aileron rolls to stay awake.
- You lose your radios and the approach controller says, "Hey, Mailbag 216, wake up! I know you're sleepin' up there!"
- On a clear night you consider it normal to make a low pass or two to clear the ground fog and deer off the runway at Presque Isle.
- You fly with a Captain who has both dead-sticked a DC-3 at night to a safe landing and had to declare an emergency because his copilot tried to pee out an old antennae hole on a Convair 240 and was nearly castrated.

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