From: Nina
Nance #3590
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and
civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control
tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an
aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is
calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The
tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American
Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is
1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an
Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on
the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and
120 minutes to "Happy Hour."
*********************
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a
muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a
red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the
lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel,
coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
****************************
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was
sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of
his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the
airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be
seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the
meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he
had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What
do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm
just here to hook up your telephone."
**********************
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "Sure,
buddy." Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try
it again!" Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
****************************
An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the
barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves,
when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their
faces. The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My
wife will think I've been in a brothel!" The Chief turned to his
barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what
the inside of a brothel smells like."
****************************
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman.
"I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be
waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave." "Not
me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm
never going to stand in line again!"
CHARTS: (ACTUAL NOTES UNEDITED
FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN MEDICAL CENTER, ANN ARBOR,
MICHIGAN!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a
year
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it
disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states
she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in
1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant
with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12 Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady
pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you
might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,
until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our Car for
physical therapy.
23. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
24. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
25. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a
job as a stockbroker instead.
26. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
27. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
28. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we
should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
29. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
30. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Question: What is the truest definition of
Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death in 1997.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with her Egyptian boy friend crashed in
a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by
a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by
Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American
doctor using Brazilian medicines!
And this is sent to you by a yank, using Bill Gates technology, and
you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that use
Taiwanese-made chips and Korean-made monitors, assembled by
Bangladeshi workers, in a Singapore plant, transported in lorries
driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian
longshoremen, trucked by Mexican illegal aliens and finally sold to
you!
That, my friend, is Globalization !
GOLF.......anyone????
When I die, bury me on the golf course so my
husband will visit. I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew
tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
I've spent most of my life golfing. the rest I've just wasted.
They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were
taken.
-- Raymond Floyd
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a
flag stick on top.
~Pete Dye (His golf courses reflect this belief!!!)
Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives
think they are out having fun.
~Jim Bishop
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I
did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
~Hank Aaron
Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down
five
~Paul Harvey
Give me golf clubs, fresh air & a beautiful partner, and you can
keep the clubs and the fresh air.
~Jack Benny
Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?
~Al Boliska
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
-- Billy Graham
Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are
inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a
perfect golf swing.
~Ben Hogan
Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball.
Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end.
~Chuck Hogan
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong
golf ball.
~Jack Lemmon
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they
are still rolling.
~Mark Twain
Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
~Harry Vardon
Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with
implements ill adapted for the purpose.
~Woodrow Wilson
A golfer's diet: live on greens as much as possible .
Gone golfin' ... be back about dark thirty.
Born to golf. Forced to work. (sometimes with "to pay for habit"
included.)
My body is here, but my mind has already teed off .
May thy ball lie in green pastures ... and not in still waters.
If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I
hit it straight, it's a miracle.
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't
improve your lie.
~George Deukmejian
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out
of a bagpipe.
In his book," Sled Driver, " SR-71/Blackbird
pilot Brian Shul writes:
I'll always remember a certain radio exchange
that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming
across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various
radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles
airspace.
Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement
across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground
speed. "90 knots" Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech
required the same. "120 knots," Center answered.
We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day...as
almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52
requests ground speed readout."
There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the
ground, Dusty."
Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a
situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission
coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized
Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in
unison.
"Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?"
There was a longer than normal pause... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots."
No further inquiries were heard on that frequency"
In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving
a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000 ft). The incredulous
controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan
to get up to 60,000 feet?
The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go
up to it, we plan to go down to it." He was cleared...
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority
landing, because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit
peaked." AirTraffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number
two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter
pilot remarked, "The dreaded Seven-Engine Approach."
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was
your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for
takeoff."
Gripe Sheet
After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to
the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the
flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper
that the pilot completes and then the mechanics read and correct the
problem. They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe
sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and
problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by
maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has
never had an accident.
Frank Jones
P stands for the problem logged by the pilot.
S stands for the solution and action taken by the engineers.
===================================================
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
"Geographical Reality"
Credits to Sid Wugalter #2953
You Live in California when...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell
phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how
long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it
is.
You Live in New York City when...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean
Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State
Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from
Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You Live in Maine when...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.
You Live in the Deep South when...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are
Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty
Jean, etc.
You live in Colorado when...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he
stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You live in the Midwest when...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It
was different!"
You live in Florida when...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and
cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people
You know you live on Kauai when:
1. The regional cookbook favorites include 100 recipes for taro
root.
2. All directions are given "mauka" (toward the mountains) and "makai"
(toward the water) e.g. "turn mauka just past Otsuka's."
3. Low-fat Span is considered a health food.
4. Cars stop to allow pedestrians to cross in the middle of the
block - and no one gets angry.
5. Strangers smile and say hello when passing by each other while
walking the beach at sunrise.
More Humor -- Thanks to Paul
You know that your landing gear is up and locked
when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.
Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than
there are submarines in the sky.
If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.
Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting
to pee.
When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have
enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying
club.
What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot
dies.
Never trade luck for skill.
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation
are: "Why is it doing that?". "Where are we?" and " Oh Shit!"
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot
pregnant.
Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully
complete the flight.
A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in
a row is prevarication.
I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up
there!
Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for
the purpose of storing dead batteries.
Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything
about it.
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was
forgotten.
Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be
held on a sunny day.
Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a prang (crash) seems
inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the
vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.
The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just
barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to
its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the
crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the
bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)
Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I
am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing. (sign over the entrance to the SR-71
operating location Kadena, Japan).
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F.
Crickmore - test pilot)
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign
over Squadron Ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
Basic Flying Rules
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of
ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much
more difficult to fly through any of these.
Air Traffic Humor
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6
miles!" Delta351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted
comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute
little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot,
not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I
made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like you just made and I'll
have enough parts for another one."
A military pilot called for a priority landing because his
single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic
Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52
that had one engine shut down. "Ah", the fighter pilot remarked, "the
dreaded seven-engine approach".
A student pilot became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your
last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff".
Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A
concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the
problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a weird noise he heard in the
engine,"explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to
find a new pilot."
The ATC controller stated, "Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn
right 45 degrees." The pilot responded, "But Center, we are at 35,000
feet. How much noise can we make up here?" Controller: "Sir, have you
ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
LET US OLD GUYS DO THE FIGHTING
We’ll fight to the last 50-year-old
by Jeff Ackerman
A couple of weeks ago I indicated that if I could, I’d enlist today
and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands
of innocent people in New York City and Washington, D.C.
But I’m 50 now and the Armed Forces say I’m too old to track down
terrorists. You can’t be older than 35 to join the Army.
They’ve got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds
off the fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able
to join until you’re at least 35.
For starters:
-- Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old
guys only think about sex every 15 seconds, leaving us more than
28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. —Young
guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky and a cranky soldier is a
dangerous soldier. If we can’t kill the enemy we’ll complain them into
submission. ”My back hurts!” “I’m hungry!” “Where’s the remote
control?”—An 18-year-old hasn’t had a legal beer yet and you shouldn’t
go to war until you’re at least old enough to legally drink. An
average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of
beer by the time he’s 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a
backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the beer belly. —An 18-year-old
doesn’t like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early just to
show we can (and to steal the neighbor’s newspaper). —If old guys were
captured we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d probably forget
where we put them. In fact, name, rank and serial number would be a
real brainteaser.
If it weren’t for the age barrier, I’d pretty much get into the Army
without a hitch. According to the Army Internet site, I’d need to pass
an entrance exam (officially called an ASVAB), but the sample
questions I saw weren’t exactly headache material.
For example: A magnet will attract:
a) water
b) a flower
c) a cloth rag
d) a nail
I took a wild stab and guessed, “nail,” knowing they’d probably stick
me in some desk job with Army Intelligence after Boot Camp.
If 12 workers are needed to run 4 machines, how many workers are
needed to run 20 machines?
a) 16
b) 18
c) 3
d) 60
Let’s see...three workers per machine times 20 machines...errr...hmmm...uhhh...60?
Finally, they wanted to know if I had command of the English language,
just in case I had to describe an enemy camp from memory. Small most
nearly means:
a) Sturdy
b) Round
c) Cheap
d) Little
I knew this cheap, little sturdy guy once, but I wrote down little.
Now you know where the first questions come from for the “Who Wants To
Be A Millionaire” game show.
Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting
screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We’ve also
developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost
better than naps.
The Army could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I’ve been
to the desert and didn’t see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging
over the side. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now. “Get down and give
me...er...one!”
And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I’ve never seen
anyone outrun a bullet. I’m reminded of the story of the young bull
and the old bull standing on a hill looking down on the cows. ”Let’s
run down there and make love
to one of those cows,” says the young bull. ”How about we WALK down
there and make love to ALL those cows,” replies the old bull.
Patience is something most 18-year-olds simply do not have. For good
reason, too. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s
still learning to shave. To actually carry on a conversation. To wear
pants without the top of the butt crack showing and the boxer shorts
sticking out. To learn that a pierced tongue catches food particles.
And that a 200-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can
rupture an eardrum.
All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more
about life before sending them off to a possible death. Let us old
guys track down those dirty, rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on
September 11th. The last thing they’d want to see right now is a
couple of million old guys with attitude.
IDIOTS
IDIOTS IN SERVICE*
This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the
telephone repair people using my personal cell phone. They promised to
be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give
me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you
like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how
he would be able to do that, since our office phones weren't working.
He also requested that we report future outages by email. (Does YOUR
email work without a telephone line?) (Some do)
IDIOTS AT WORK*
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk
noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She
informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the
card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary
to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed
the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature
to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it,
they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the
Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: cars were hitting too many
deer and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked
the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was
sorry, but they only had iceberg.
IDIOT SIGHTING #1
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
IDIOT SIGHTING #2
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine
when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it
signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded,
"What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
IDIOT SIGHTING #3
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving
the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully,
"this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We
all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
IDIOT SIGHTING #4
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not
turn on.
IDIOT SIGHTING # 5
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock
the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it as
unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which
he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
NOW, DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?!!!
OLDER
Now that I'm 'older', here's what I've discovered:
ONE- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
TWO- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
THREE- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
FOUR- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
FIVE- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
SIX- If all is not lost, where is it?
SEVEN- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
EIGHT- Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
NINE- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
TEN- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
ELEVEN- Accidents in the back seat cause......kids.
TWELVE- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
THIRTEEN- Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're
in the bathroom.
FOURTEEN- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on
my knees.
FIFTEEN- When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone
decide to play chess?
SIXTEEN- It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
SEVENTEEN- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
EIGHTEEN- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the
hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm
here after.
NINETEEN- UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT
GOD CREATED MAN
On the first day God created the cow. God said,
"You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will
give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other
forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the
door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I
will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and
I'll give back the other ten."
So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people,
do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life
span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't
think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have
sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty
years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll
take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back
and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have
sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the
sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks
to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in
front of the house and bark at everybody. (Anybody you know?)
OLD GEEZERS
At sporting events, during the playing of the
National Anthem, Old Geezers hold their caps over their hearts and
sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.
Old Geezers remember World War I, the Depression, World War II, Pearl
Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy and Hitler.
They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet
Age and the Moon Landing, not to mention Vietnam.
If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk, he will apologize.
If you pass an Old Geezer on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to
a lady.
Old Geezers trust strangers and are courtly to women. Old Geezers hold
the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain
the lady is on the inside for protection. Old Geezers get embarrassed
if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like
violence and filth on TV or in movies.
Old Geezers have moral courage. They seldom brag unless it's about
their grandchildren. It's the Old Geezers who know our great country
is protected, not by politicians or police, but by the young men and
women in the military serving their country. This country needs Old
Geezers with their
decent values. We need them now more than ever.
Thank God for Old Geezers! Pass this on to all the Old Geezers you
know
ANYONE CAN PLAY GOLF
Once a player has mastered the grip and stance, all
he has to bear in mind, in the brief two-second interval it takes to
swing, is to keep his left elbow pointed in toward the left hip and
his right arm loose and closer to the body than the left----and take
the club head past his right knee---and then break the wrists at just
the right instant while the left arm is still traveling straight back
from the ball and the right arm stays glued to the body---and the hips
come around in a perfect circle---and meanwhile everything is mucked
up unless the weight is 60 percent on the left foot and 40 percent on
the right---not an ounce more or less---and at just the right point in
the turn the left knee bends in toward the right in a dragging motion
until the left heel comes off the ground---but not too far---and be
sure the hands are over the right foot---but not on the toe more than
the heel---except that the left side of the right foot is tilted off
the ground---but not too far---and be sure the hands at the top of the
swing are high and the shaft points along a line parallel with the
ground---and if its a downhill lie the shaft is supposed to be pointed
downhill too---and pause at the top of the swing and count one, jerk
the left arm straight down like a bell ringer yanking a belfry
rope---and don't uncock the wrists too soon and pull the left hip
around in a circle---but don't let the shoulders turn with the hips,
they have to be facing the hole---and now transfer the weight 60
percent to the left foot and 40 percent to the right---not an ounce
more or less---and tilt the left foot now so the right side of it is
straight---that's the one you hit against---watch out for the left
hand, it's supposed to be extended---but not too stiff or the shot
won't go anywhere---and don't let it get loose or you will hook---and
let the wrists uncock---but don't force them or you'll smother the
shot---and don't break too soon but keep your head down---then hit the
ball!
THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT!!
MORE HUMOR FOR THE GOLFER/MEMBER
One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that
you seldom lose a bowling ball. Don Carter, pro bowler
I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart. Buddy Hackett
I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer
spectators. Gerald Ford
Once when I was golfing in Georgia I hooked the ball into a swamp. I
went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture
of a little golfer on it. Buddy Hackett
It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they are still
rolling. -Mark Twain (Priceless!)
Golf's three ugliest words: still your shot. -Dave Marr
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I
did it in one afternoon on the golf course. - Hank Aaron
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't
see him laughing.
- Phyllis Diller
"I'm very lucky. If it wasn't for golf I don't know what I'd be doing.
If my IQ had been two points lower, I'd have been a plant somewhere."
Lee Trevino
Golf has more rules than any other game, because golf has more
cheaters than any other game. Bruce Lansky
On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating. The other
20 percent lied.
-Bruce Lansky
I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game. It is
called an eraser.
-Arnold Palmer
Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even
smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose." -
Winston Churchill
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by
the occasional miracle.
Tee your ball high...air offers less resistance than dirt. Jack
Nicklaus
Why is it that when you tell yourself, 'don't hit it in the water'
your body only seems to hear the word ‘water'?
The trees taunt you; the sand mocks you; the water calls your
name...and
they say golf is a quiet game.
Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and
shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day
you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink. Bob Hope
Only a stupid golfer throws his club behind him. The smart golfer
throws his club ahead so he can pick it up on the way to the next
hole. - Tommy Armour
Corollary: clubs don't float.
He who has the fastest golf cart never has a bad lie. Mickey Mantle
YOU KNOW YOU’RE GETTING OLDER
WHEN…
…you and your teeth don’t sleep together.
…you try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you
aren’t wearing any.
…you start to look like your driver’s license picture.
…it takes two tries to get up from the couch.
…happy hour is a nap.
…you’re on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
…you step off the curb and look down one more time to make sure the
street is still there.
…your idea if weight lifting is standing up.
…it takes longer to rest up than it did to get tired.
…”getting lucky” means finding your car in the parking lot.
…it takes twice as long to look half as good.
These are for real.
Chicago Airport. It's a busy place, and home to some of the finest
air traffic controllers in the world. These top 40 real transmissions
were collected by, and are reprinted with the permission of John Carr
of NATCA at the old O'Hare TRACON. Many thanks!
"Expect lower at the end of this transmission."
"Citation 123, if you quit calling me center, I'll quit calling you
twin Cessna."
"About three miles ahead you've got traffic 12 o'clock, five miles."
"If you hear me, traffic no longer a factor."
"You got him on TCAS? Great. When you're seven in trail, resume normal
speed and call Chicago Center on 120.12."
"I am way too busy for anybody to cancel on me."
"You got any more smart remarks, we can be doing this over South Bend
... go ahead."
"You're gonna have to key the mike. I can't see you when you nod your
head."
"It's too late for Louisville. We're going back to O'Hare."
"Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace."
"Don't anybody maintain anything.
"Caution wake turbulence you're following a heavy 12 o'clock, three
... no, let's make it five miles."
"Climb like you're life depends on it ... because it does."
"If you want more room Captain, push your seat back."
"For radar identification throw your jumpseat rider out the window."
"Air Force one, I told you to expedite."
"Listen up gentlemen, or something's gonna happen that none of us
wants to see. Besides that, you're (tickin') me off!"
"Leave five on the glide, have a nice ride, tower inside, twenty-six
nine .... see ya!"
"Japan Air Ten Heavy, how 'bout a radio check?"
(Response -"Rogah, switching!")
"Approach, how far from the airport are we in minutes?"
"N923, the faster you go, the quicker you'll get here."
"American Two-Twenty, Eneey, meeny, miney, moe, how do you hear my
radio?"
"Air Wisconsin Three-Thirty-Five, caution wake turbulence, there is an
Air Wisconsin Three-Forty-Five on the frequency."
"I don't mind altitude separation as long as they're not on top of
each other."
"We were told Rwy 9...we'll take out the 14R approach plate."
"Captain you got sixty miles to take it out...have a ball."
"The traffic at nine o'clock's gonna do a little Linda Ronstadt on
you."
"Linda Ronstadt? What's that?"
"Well, sir, they're gonna 'Blue Bayou'."
"I can see the country club down below...look's like a lot of
controllers out there!"
"Yes, sir, there is...and they're caddying for DC-10 drivers like
you."
"N07K you look like you're established on the localizer and I don't
know the names of any of the fixes, you're cleared for the ILS
approach. Call the tower."
"MidEx 726, sorry about that, Center thought you were a Midway
arrival. Just sit back, relax and pass out some more cookies...we'll
get you to Milwaukee."
"Approach, what's our sequence?"
"Calling for the sequence I missed your callsign, but if I find out
what it is, you're last."
"Sure you can have eight miles behind the heavy...there'll be a United
tri-jet between you and him."
"Approach, SWA436, you want us to turn right to 090?"
"No, I want your brother to turn. Just do it and don't argue."
"Approach UAL525 what's this aircraft doing at my altitude?"
"UAL525, what makes you think it's YOUR altitude, Captain?"
"DAL1176, say speed."
"DAL1176, we slowed it down to two-twenty."
"DAL1176 pick it back up to two-fifty...this ain't Atlanta, and them
ain't grits on the ground."
"Request Runway 27 Right."
"Unable."
"Approach, do you know the wind at six thousand is 270 at fifty?"
"Yeah, I do, and if we could jack the airport up to fifty-five hundred
you could have that runway. Expect 14 Right."
"Air Force Four-Five, it appears your engine has...oh, disregard...I
see you've already ejected."
"The first officer says he's got you in sight."
"Roger, the first officer's cleared for a visual approach runway 27
Right...you continue on that 180 heading and descend to three
thousand."
"Hey, O'Hare, you see the 7600 code flashing five northwest of Gary?"
"Yeah, I do...you guys talkin' to him?"
"Approach, what's the tower?"
"That's a big tall building with glass all around it, but that's not
important right now."
"How far behind traffic are we?"
"Three miles."
"That doesn't look like three miles to us!"
"You're a mile and a half from him, he's a mile and a half from
you...that's three miles."
And the number one actual transmission heard in the O'Hare TRACON is:
"Turn in and take over .. you know the rest."
Contributed by Chas. Newpol #2209.
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!" The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
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More tower chatter:
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."
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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
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Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
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"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From Charlie Newpol, #2209
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened
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