ONLY A TRUE GOLFER WILL UNDERSTAND
THESE GOLF TIPS!
Credits to Sid Wugalter
#2953
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind
during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water
hazard, you can either: hit one more club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the
foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two
options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait
until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
The
less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his
ideas about the golf swing.
No matter how bad you are
playing, it is always possible to play horse.
The inevitable
result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one
critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for
all of your many other errors
Everyone replaces his divot
after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test of your
skill against your opponents' luck.
It is surprisingly easy
to hole a fifty foot putt for a “10.”
Counting on your
opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting
him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count
the same as chalant putts; It's not a gimme if you're still 5
feet away.
The shortest distance between any two points on a
golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the
center of a very large tree.
You can hit a two-acre fairway
10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.
If you
really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at
much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a
fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of
three.
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will
always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to
start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make
two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the
universe.
If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods
does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
To
calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed
of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph,
handicap 15, downswing 300 mph.
One of my personal favorites:
There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing
at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many
hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
Hazards
attract; fairways repel. Keep this in mind.
A ball you can
see in the rough from 50 yards away is not ours.
If there is
a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your all is in
the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the
footprint.
It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than
at 10:00 to mow the lawn.
A good drive on the 18th hole has
stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
Golf is the
perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having
to pray a lot.
A good golf partner is one who is always
slightly worse than you are. That's why I get so many calls to
play with friends.
If there is a storm rolling in, you will
be having the game of your life.
Golf balls are like eggs:
they are white. They are sold by the dozen; and, you need to buy
fresh ones each week.
It is amazing how a golfer who never
helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his
ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
If your opponent has
trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he
probably shot an eight (or worse).
It takes longer to learn
to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On
the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink
beer, eat hot dogs and fart, if you are performing brain Surgery
Truths For Mature Humans
Warren Lichtenberg #3161
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to
immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I
was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm
pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how
the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at
work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything
productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I
don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it
asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical
report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know
not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just
nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word
they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team
up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong,
brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get
dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and
still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their
car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail
on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first
time, every time!
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in
1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took
100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
(Ladies.....Quit Laughing)
Southern
Lawmen.....
Credits to Dick Reynolds #3563
These lawmen comments
certainly have the ring of the south to them. Some of them are darn
funny.
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder
than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because
they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands
off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
(My Favorite)
4. "If
you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per
second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing
you." (LOVE IT)
6.
"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk
to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I
mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm
warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to
this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was
Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair
is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn
dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets
and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through
NCIC." ( National Crime
Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you
say you had?"
14. "No
sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed
to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of
Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can
post your bail."
AND
THE WINNER IS....
16.
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't. Sign here."
Puns
for Educated Minds
Credits to Charlie Newpol #2209
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round
table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian.
3.. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because
it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blown-a-part.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking into it.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said
to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the
Grass.'
15. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.
16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's
your count that votes..
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
FOR
THOSE WHO ENJOY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
Credits to Charlie Newpol #2209
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's
home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon
vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun
wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man
needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A
hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing
cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does
the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms
should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading
while sunbathing makes you well red.
When
two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A
bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's
the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Time
flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In
democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was
engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A
chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you
don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With
her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a
clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man
who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You
feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local
Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
All
calendar's days are numbered.
A lot
of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A
boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had
a photographic memory that was never developed.
A
midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium
at large.
Those
who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once
you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers
trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's
helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Gentle Thoughts for Today
Credits to Charlie Newpol #2209
Birds of a feather flock together and
crap on your car.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's
dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement .
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when
he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for
it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that
wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS'
together it spells 'Theirs.'
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people
to know 'why' I look this way.I've traveled a long way and some of
the roads weren't paved..
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think
of Algebra.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was
called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf!
A Student Pilot's Diary
Credits to Anon
Week 1
Monday: Rain!
Tuesday: Rain!
Wednesday: No rain; no visibility either!
Thursday: Take instructor to lunch. Discover I don't know
enough to take instructor to lunch.
Friday: Fly! Do first stall and second stall during same
maneuver. Cover instructor with lunch.
Week 2
Monday: Learned not to
scrape frost off Plexiglas with ice-scraper. Used big scratch as
marker to set pitch.
Tuesday: Instructor wants me to stop calling throttle
"THAT BIG KNOB THING." Also hates when I call instruments
"GADGETS"
Wednesday: Radios won't pick up radio stations, so I
turned them off. Instructor seems to think I missed something.
Thursday: Learned 10 degree bank is not a steep turn. Did
stall
again today. Lost 2000 feet. Instructor said that was some kind
of record -- my first compliment.
Friday: Did steep turn. Instructor said I was not ready
for inverted flight yet.
Week 3
Monday: Instructor called
in sick. New instructor told me to stop calling her "BABE". Did
steep turns. She said I had to have permission for inverted
flight.
Tuesday: Instructor back. He told me to stop calling him
"BABE", too. He got mad when I pulled power back on takeoff
because the engine was to loud.
Wednesday: Instructor said after the first 20 hours, most
students have established a learning curve. He said there is a
slight bend in mine. Aha--progress!
Thursday: Did stalls. Clean recovery. Instructor said I
did good job. Also did turns around a point. Instructor warned
me never to pick ex-fiancée's house as the point again.
Friday: Did pattern work. Instructor said that if
downwind, base and final formed a triangle, I would be perfect.
More praise!
Week 4
Monday: First landing at a
controlled field. Did fine until I told
the captain in the 747 ahead of us on the taxiway to move his
bird. Instructor says we'll have ground school all this week on
radio procedures.
Tuesday: Asked instructor if everyone in his family had
turned grey at such an early age. He smiled. We did takeoff
stalls. He says I did just fine but to wait until we reached
altitude next time. Three Niner Juliet will be out of the shop
in three days when the new strut and tire arrive. Instructor
says his back bothers him only a little.
Wednesday: Flew through clouds. I thought those radio
towers were a lot lower. I'm sure my instructor is going grey.
Thursday: Left flaps down for entire flight. Instructor
asked why. I told him I wanted the extra lift as a safety
margin. More ground school.
Friday: Asked instructor when I could solo. I have never
seen anyone actually laugh until they cried before.
Credits to Frank Krasinski
#2410
1. The King of Assyria was running
low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great
possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond
in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker,
to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for
it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.
"Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference
who you are."
2. Evidence has been found that
William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all
the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire .... and so we'll
never know for whom the Tells bowled.
3. A man rushed into a busy
doctor's office and shouted, Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The
doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a
little patient."
4. A marine biologist developed a
race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if
they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the
birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way
back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he
gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged
with... transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal
porpoises.
5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's
Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and
since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to
produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often
ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of
course, is the origin of the expression ... "He who has a Tate's is
lost!"
6. A thief broke into the local
police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no
clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have nothing to go
on"
7. An Indian chief was feeling
very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief
examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk
rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and
swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the
medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief
shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
8. A famous Viking explorer
returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town
register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic
official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif
off my census."
9. There were three Indian squaws.
One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third
slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first
two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin
had twin boys. This just goes to prove that ... the squaw of the
hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two
hides.
10. A skeptical anthropologist was
cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a
tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were
a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist
expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let
me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
A fifth grade teacher in a
Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see
if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God.
Credits to Roy Johnston #3803
Here are some of the results: scroll down.
God is like.
BAYER ASPIRIN
He works miracles.
God is like.
a FORD
He's got a better idea.
God is like.
COKE
He's the real thing.
(This is great)
God is like.
HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.
God is like.
TIDE
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
God is like.
GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.
God is like.
SEARS
He has everything.
God is like.
ALKA-SELTZER
Try Him, you'll like Him
God is like.
SCOTCH TAPE
You can't see Him, but you know He's there.
God is like.
DELTA
He's ready when you are.
God is like.
ALLSTATE
You're in good hands with Him.
God is like.
VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.
God is like.
DIAL SOAP
Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?
(that one is my favorite)
God is like.
the U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His
appointed destination.
God is like.
Chevrolet. . .the heart beat of America
God is like
Maxwell House. . .
Good to the very last drop
God is like.
Bounty. . .
He is the quicker picker upper. . can handle the tough jobs. . .and
He won't fall apart on you
Military base Bumper- stickers
Credits to Stu Hayter #3419
“Army Rangers – Certified Counselors to the 72
Virgins Dating Club.”
“U.S. Marines – Travel Agents To Allah”
“Stop Global Whining”
“When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine”
“The Marine Corps – When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be
Destroyed Overnight”
“Death Smiles At Everyone – Paratroopers Smile Back”
“Army Sniper – You can run, but you’ll just die tired!”
“What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil”
“Marines – Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For
their Country Since 1775"
“Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It”
“Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon”
“It’s God’s Job to Forgive Bin Laden – It’s Our Job To Arrange The
Meeting”
“Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar
Brawl”
“One Shot, Twelve Kills – U.S. Naval Gunfire Support”
“Machine Gunners – Accuracy By Volume”
“A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy – Blessed Be The Peacemakers"
Walter Wasielewski #3565
I used to eat a lot of natural
foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal..
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about
him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they
are going to look up there anyway?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive
faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
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