Iraqi Style Dog Fight
Jim Holweger #3545
An Iraqi flying a Mirage F1 came upon a US
EF-111A Raven at low level, and pursued it.
As a bit of background to this, the Mirage
is a reasonably decent aircraft at low level, but the EF-111A is
something else. It's an unarmed electronic warfare version of the
F-111 Aardvark, and has terrain following radar, which enables it to
fly at Mach 1 or more, 60 metres above the ground (that's about 0.4
seconds away from the ground), while the pilot watches the view.
It's one of the fastest aircraft in the world at low level.
Maybe this Iraqi didn't know anything about the
F-111, but he decided that it looked like an easy target, and
pursued it at very low level. The EF-111 crew were credited with a
kill when the Iraqi (not surprisingly) slammed into the ground.
There can't be too many occasions when an unarmed
aircraft scores a kill.
THE OLD PREACHER
Credits to Bill Maloney #3570.
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it
was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a
profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he
wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try
an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study
table three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of
whisky.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself,
"and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which
object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher
like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the
dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard,
and, Lord, what a shame that would be."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his
son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his
room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the
room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye,
he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and
placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped
it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.
"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's
gonna be a Congressman!"
Tools
Jim Holtsclaw #2738
How painful it is to personally gain insight into these
definitions!!
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against
that freshly painted parts you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprint and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about
the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after
you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
firmly
under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any
known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use
anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs
at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used
during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More
often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing
oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to
strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact
wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 50
years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in
use.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, also referred to as mechanic's lube, usually
applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and
indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
SENIOR MOMENTS
Mike Zinkin #3551
A couple in their nineties are both having
problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them
that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing
things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching
TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are
you going?" "To the kitchen" he replies. "Will you get me a bowl of
ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you
can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top,
too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll
forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts. Irritated,
he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me
alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for
goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20
minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a
plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and
says - "Where's my toast?
-------------------------
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old
buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?" "Yep!" "Do I know her?"
"Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking?" "Not really." "Is she a
good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook too well." "Does she have lots of
money?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse." "Well then, is she good in
bed?" "I don't know." "Why in the world do you want to marry her
then?" "Because she can still drive!"
-------------------------
Three old guys are out walking. First one says,
"Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, its Thursday!" Third one
says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
-------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to
get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down
the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days
later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing
great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc:
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say
that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
-------------------------
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice
cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress
asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis."
LEXOPHILES
Charlie Newpol #2209
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's
your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you
A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France
resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium
at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd
dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a
large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
Fighter Pilot's Lament
Bob Ervin #3517
John "Jack" Bolt, who went to his final reward in
2004, was the only two-war U.S. Marine Corps ace. As a junior
officer during World War II, he scored six enemy kills while flying
the Vought F4U Corsair. As a major during the Korean War, he scored
six more while flying the North American F-86 Sabre on an exchange
tour with the U.S. Air Force.
Jack Bolt was a hoot! During a commercial airline flight several
years ago, he was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the
mother began nursing him as discreetly as possible.
Jack pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly
offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related
impedimenta. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, Bolt
responded: "Gosh, that's a good looking baby... and he sure was
hungry!" Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her
pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the
baby's ears. Jack sadly shook his head, and in true fighter pilot
fashion exclaimed, "Damn! And all these years I've been chewing
gum!"
Humor of Steven Wright
Credits to Charlie Newpol #2209
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven
Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said:
"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and
replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our
amazement, and amusement.
Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend,...but she left me before we
met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be
lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever......so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made
your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of
the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch
up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required
to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
And my all time favorite-
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your
headlights work?
Things Overheard at ORD in 2006
Credit to Sid Wugalter #2953
"We were told Rwy 9...we'll take out the 14R
approach plate." "Captain you got sixty miles to take it out...have
a ball."
"I can see the country club down below...look's like a lot of
controllers out there!" "Yes, sir, there is...and they're caddying
for DC-10 drivers like you."
"AmTran 726, sorry about that, Center thought you were a Midway
arrival. Just sit back, relax and pass out some more cookies...we'll
get you to Milwaukee."
"Sure you can have eight miles behind the heavy...there'll be a
United tri-jet between you and him."
"Approach UAL525 what's this aircraft doing at my altitude?"
"UAL525, what makes you think it's YOUR altitude, Captain?"
"DAL1176, say speed." "DAL1176, we slowed it down to two-twenty."
"DAL1176 pick it back up to two-fifty...this ain't Atlanta, and them
ain't grits on the ground."
"Request Runway 27 Right." "Unable." "Approach, do you know the wind
at six thousand is 270 at fifty?" "Yeah, I do, and if we could jack
the airport up to fifty-five hundred you could have that runway.
Expect 14 Right."
"Air Force Four-Five, it appears your engine has...oh, disregard...I
see you've already ejected."
"The first officer says he's got you in sight." "Roger, the first
officer's cleared for a visual approach runway 27 Right...you
continue on that 180 heading and descend to three thousand."
"Hey, O'Hare, you see the 7600 code flashing five northwest of
Gary?" "Yeah, I do...you guys talkin' to him?"
[Remember, it’s the TRACON] "Citation 123, if you quit calling me
Center, I'll quit calling you twin Cessna."
"You got any more smart remarks, we can be doing this over South
Bend...go ahead."
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
Jim Holtsclaw #2738
1. Kidnappers are not very
interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, " Did I wake you ???? "
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into
the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay
off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national
weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Flying Truths
Credit to Cle Cox #3536
The scientific theory I like best is that the
rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline baggage.
An old pilot is one who can remember when flying was dangerous and
sex was safe.
Airlines have really changed; now a flight attendant can get a pilot
pregnant.
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to the society. The
optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.
If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage/classic
helicopter fly-ins?
Death is just nature's way of telling you to watch your airspeed or
rotor RPM -
Real planes use only a single stick to fly. This is why bulldozers
&helicopters -- in that order -- need two.
There are only three things the copilot should ever say:
1. Nice landing, Sir.
2. I'll buy the first round.
3. I'll take the ugly one.
As a pilot only two bad things can happen to you and one of them
will.
a. One day you will walk out to the aircraft knowing that it is your
last flight.
b. One day you will walk out to the aircraft not knowing that it is
your last flight.
There are Rules and there are Laws. The Rules are made by men who
think that they know better how to fly your airplane than you. Laws
(of Physics) were made by the Great One. You can, and sometimes
should, suspend the Rules but you can never suspend the Laws.
About Rules:
a. The rules are a good place to hide if you don't have a better
idea and the talent to execute it.
b. If you deviate from a rule, it must be a flawless performance
(e.g., If you fly under a bridge, don't hit the bridge).
The ideal pilot is the perfect blend of discipline and
aggressiveness.
The medical profession is the natural enemy of the aviation
profession.
Ever notice that the only experts who decree that the age of the
pilot is over are people who have never flown anything? Also, in
spite of the intensity of their feelings that the pilot's day is
over I know of no expert who has volunteered to be a passenger in a
non-piloted aircraft.
Before each flight, make sure that your bladder is empty and your
fuel tanks are full!
He who demands everything that his aircraft can give him is a pilot;
he that demands one iota more is a fool.
There are certain aircraft sounds that can only be heard at night.
The aircraft limits are only there in case there is another flight
by that particular aircraft. If subsequent flights do not appear
likely, there are no limits.
Flying is a great way of life for men who want to feel like boys,
but not for those who still are.
Flying is a hard way to earn an easy living.
Forget all that stuff about lift, gravity, thrust and drag. An
airplane flies because of money. If God had meant man to fly, He'd
have given him more money.
If black boxes survive air crashes -- why don't they make the whole
plane out of that stuff?
"If the Wright brothers were alive today Wilber would have to fire
Orville to reduce costs." President DELTA Airlines
In the Alaska bush I'd rather have a two hour bladder and three
hours of gas than vice versa.
It's not that all airplane pilots are good-looking. Just that
good-looking people seem more capable of flying airplanes. Or so
seasoned observers contend. A matter of self-confidence? No doubt,
no doubt.
I've flown in both pilot seats; can someone tell me why the other
one is always occupied by an idiot?
Son, you're going to have to make up your mind about growing up and
becoming a pilot. You can't do both.
There are only two types of aircraft -- fighters and targets.
You define a good flight by negatives: you didn't get hijacked, you
didn't crash, you didn't throw up, you weren't late, you weren't
nauseated by the food. So you're grateful.
You know they invented wheelbarrows to teach FAA inspectors to walk
on their hind legs.
New FAA Motto: We're not happy till you're not happy
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES FOLLOWED BY A FEW GEMS OF
WISDOM
Credit to Teddy Burcham #3560
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the
blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Men can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet
seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed
for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, strategically placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you
hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget about the toothache.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really
are:
*You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
- If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
- If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.......
Credits to Charlie Newpol #2209
The Following 15 Police Comments were taken off actual police
car videos around the country.
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch out after you wear them awhile."
#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you
didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my
gun."
#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I
can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't
think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift
supervisor?"
# 9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K. I'm warning you not to do
that again or I'll give you another ticket."
# 8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
# 7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you
go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."
# 6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a
toaster oven."
# 5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
# 4 "Just how big were those two beers?"
# 3 "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but
now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
# 2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend
of yours. At least you know someone who can post bail."
And... THE BEST ONE!!!
# 1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?... You're right,
we don't. . . . . . . . . Sign here!
Thanks to Charlie Newpol #2209
Light
travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending
machine.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those
who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently
talented fool.
Just remember... if the world didn't suck,
we'd all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50
chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll
get it wrong.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like
it.
The things that come to those that wait may be
the things left by those who got there first.
The shin bone is a device for finding
furniture.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a
fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting
yoursel f in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get
out of jury duty.
Flying
Sig Wugalter #2953
The possibility exists, but not the likely hood
that there's ONE of these you've not seen yet.
The difference between flight attendants and jet
engines is that the engines usually quit whining when they get to
the gate.
A check ride ought to be like a skirt--short
enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover everything.
Speed is life. Altitude is life insurance.
It only takes two things to fly: airspeed, and
money.
The two most dangerous things in aviation:
1. A Doctor or Dentist in a Cessna.
2. Two captains in a DC-9.
Aircraft Identification: If it's ugly, it's
British. If it's weird, it's French. If it's ugly and weird, it's
Russian.
It's better to break ground and head into the
wind than to break wind and head into the ground.
New FAA motto: "We're not happy, till you're not
happy."
A copilot is a knot head until he spots opposite
direction traffic at 12 O’clock, after which he's a goof-off for not
seeing it sooner.
If something hasn't broken on your
helicopter--it's about to.
I give that landing a 9, - on the Richter scale.
The difference between a duck and a co-pilot? The
duck can fly.
Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot
after his 6th unsuccessful landing attempt: "You've got to land here
son. This is where the food is.
For those who love the
philosophy of ambiguity
Jim Holtsclaw #2738
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the
sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all
the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with
soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15 Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right
to remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road
signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists:They don`t talk about other
people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he
become disoriented?
34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN?
Jim Holtsclaw #2738
All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?
It took five minutes for the TV warm up?
Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from
school?
Nobody owned a purebred dog?
When a quarter was a decent allowance?
You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?
Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?
All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their
hair done every day and wore high heels?
You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped,
without asking, all for free, every time?
And you didn't pay for air? And, you got trading stamps to boot?
Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside
the box?
It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a
real restaurant with your parents?
They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. . and they
did?
When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise, peel out, lay
rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady?
No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always
in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?
Lying on your back in the grass with your friends and saying things
like, "That cloud looks like a "
and playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of
the game?
Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals
because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?
And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could
slip back in time and savor the slower pace, and share it with the
children of today?
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to
the fate that awaited the student at home?
Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of
drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.
Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!
But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.
DO YOU REMEMBER THESE?
Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy,
Howdy Dowdy and the Peanut Gallery, the Lone Ranger, The Shadow
Knows,
Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk.
As well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games,
Hula Hoops, bowling and visits to the pool, and eating Kool-Aid
powder with sugar
QUIZ FOR RETIREES
Share this one with all the retirees that you
know. I'm sure they can relate to some of them!
AND, If you have not yet retired, look what you have to look forward
too....
Sid Wugalter #2953
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and
refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic
or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids
will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answers: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a
retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but
misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Short Final...
Credits to Roger Osgood #3555
Overheard while being vectored to the ILS 10 at
KMSY the other day:
Approach: Jet 123, maintain 9,000.
Jet 123: Um, ok, we're gonna go through it.
Approach: That's ok, climb and maintain 10,000.
Jet 123: Uh, we're on our way back down to 9,000, now.
Approach: Well, 10 is available, you're welcome to climb and
maintain 10,000.
Jet 123: Why are you doing this to us?
Approach: Well, I'm trying to separate you from traffic
behind you, if that's OK.
Jet 123: That's fine, but we just zero-g'd an aircraft with a
US Senator aboard. We'd rather not squash him, now.
[pause]
Approach: If I'd known that, I'd have sent you back down to
5,000 first.
Silly Aviation Terms
Cle Cox#3536
180-Degree Turn - A sometimes difficult maneuver
to perform; the degree of difficulty is usually determined by the
size of the pilot's ego.
A & P. Rating - Enables you to fly groceries
Aero - That portion of the atmosphere that lies
over Great Britain.
Aerodrome - British word for airport. Exactly
what you'd expect from a country that gives its airplanes names like
Gypsy Moth, slingsby Dart, and Fairey Battle Bomber.
Aileron - A hinged control surface on the wing
that scares the hell out of airline passengers when it moves.
Airfoils - Swords used for dueling in flight.
Often used to settle disputes between crew members and passengers.
Airplane - The infernal machine invented by two
bicycle mechanics from Dayton, Ohio and perfected it on the sands of
the Outer Banks of Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. Precursor of the
Frisbee.
Airspeed -
1. The speed of an airplane through the air.
2. True airspeed plus 20% when talking with other pilots. Deduct 25%
when listening to a Naval aviator.
3. Measured in furlongs-per-fortnight in student aircraft.
Air Traffic Control Center - A drafty, ill-kept,
barn-like structure in which people congregate for dubious reasons.
Alternate Airport - The airport that no aircraft
has sufficient fuel to proceed to if necessary.
Bail Out - Dipping the water out of the cabin
after a heavy rainstorm.
Barrel Roll - Unloading the beer for a hangar
party.
Caging the Gyro - Not too difficult with domestic
species.
Carburetor Ice - Phrase used when reporting a
forced landing caused by running out of fuel.
Cessna 310 - More than the sum of two Cessna
150's.
Chart -
1. Large piece of paper, useful for protecting cockpit surfaces from
food and beverage stains.
2. An aeronautical map that provides interesting patterns for the
manufacturers of children's curtains.
Chock -
1. Sudden and usually unpleasant surprise suffered by Mexican
pilots.
2. Piece of wood the line boy slips in front of wheel while pilot is
not looking.
Cockpit -
1. A confined space in which two chickens fight each other,
especially when they can't find the airport in a rainstorm.
2. Area in which the pilot sits while attempting to figure out where
he is.
Collision - Unplanned contact between one
aircraft and another. As a rule, collisions that result in the
creation of several smaller and less airworthy aircraft from the
original two are thought to be the most serious.
De-icer - De person dat puts de ice on de wing.
Dive - Pilots' lounge or airport cafe.
Engine Failure - A condition that occurs when all
fuel tanks become filled with air.
Exceptional Flying Ability - Has equal number of
takeoffs and landings.
Fast - Describes the speed of any
high-performance aircraft. Lower- performance and training aircraft
are described as "half-fast."
Final Approach -
1. Many a seasoned pilot's last landing.
2. Many a student pilot's first landing.
Flashlight - Tubular metal container kept in
flight bag for storing dead batteries.
Flight Instructor - Individual of dubious
reputation, paid vast sums of money to impart knowledge of
questionable value and cast serious doubt on the coordination,
intelligence, and ancestry of student pilots.
Flight Plan - Scheme to get away from home to go
flying
Glider - Formerly "airplane," prior to running
out of fuel.
Gross Weight -
1. A 350-pound pilot (also see "Split S").
2. Maximum permissible takeoff weight plus two suitcases, 10 cans of
oil, four sleeping bags, four rifles, eight cases of beer, and the
groceries.
Hangar - Home for anything that flies, mostly
birds.
Heated Air Mass - Usually found near hangar,
flight lounge, airport cafe, or attractive, non-flying members of
the opposite sex.
Jet-assisted Takeoff - A rapid-takeoff procedure
used by a general aviation pilot who suddenly finds himself taking
off on a runway directly in front of a departing 747.
Junkers 52 - A collection of elderly airplanes
that even the FAA can't make airworthy.
Lazy 8 -
1. Well-known fly-in resort ranch.
2. The airport operator, his four mechanics, and three line boys.
Log - A small rectangular notebook used by pilots
to record lies.
Motor - A word used by Englishmen and student
pilots when referring to an aircraft engine. (also see "Aerodrome")
Navigation - The process by which a pilot finds
his way from point A to point B while actually trying to get to
point C.
Occupied - An airline term for lavatory.
Oshkosh - A town in Wisconsin that is the site of
the annual Experimental Aircraft Association fly-in. It is believed
to have been named after the sound that most experimental aircraft
engines make.
Pilot - A poor, misguided soul who talks about
women when he's flying and flying when he's with a woman.
Pitch - The story you give your wife about
needing an airplane to use in your business.
Radar - An extremely realistic type of video
game, often found at airports. Players try to send small
game-pieces, called "blips," from one side of the screen to the
other without colliding with each other. Player with the fewest
collisions wins.
Roger - The most popular name in radio.
S-turn - Course flown by student pilot from point
A to point B.
Short-field Takeoff - A takeoff from any field
less than 10,000 feet long.
Split S - What happens to the pants of overweight
pilots (also see "Gross Weight").
Trim Tab -
1. A device that can fly an airplane better than the pilot.
2. Popular diet beverage for fat pilots (also see "Gross Weight").
Useful Load - Volumetric capacity of the
aircraft, without regard to cargo weight.
Wilco - Roger's brother, the nerd.
Wing Strut - Peculiar, ritualistic walk performed
by student pilots upon getting out of low-winged trainers following
first flight performed without instructor yelling at them. Usually
results in instructor yelling at them.
"You can live somewhere in the
good ole USA"
by Bob Kelm #3491
When we hit retirement age we come face to face
with the fact that it may be time to relocate. The big question is:
where to? Here are some tips.
You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean
Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State
Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from
Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4 You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell
phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how
long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it
is.
7. You think reality should be discouraged.
You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with fewer than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.
6. "heat wave" means a thaw.
7. Boston is "'down south"
You can live in Phoenix where.....
1.You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found some
shade. :-)
2. You can learn to open and drive your car without touching the car
door or the steering wheel.
3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water
in the toilet bowl.
4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your
face.
5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities.
Picture lingerie ads.
7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU
KIDDING ME??!!
10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the
face when you open your oven door.
You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from ' round here,
are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty
Jean, MARY BETH, etc.
You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he
stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It
was different!"
AND You can live in Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and
cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people, who can
neither see nor hear, but they still can get a driver's license
You know you are a true Nova Scotian when:
1 You know the provincial flower (the Mildew) Mayflower
2 You feel very guilty if you put one recyclable can or newspaper in
the regular garbage
3 You use the phrase "sunny breaks" and know what it means
4 You can name 10 or more brands of rum
5 You know more people who have boats than people who have
air-conditioning
6 You'll stand for two minutes on a deserted street corner in the
rain waiting for the "Walk" signal
7 You know more people who heat with wood than with oil
8 You can taste the difference between Tim Horton's, Starbucks and
Wendy's coffees
9 You know how to pronounce Antigonish, Musquodoboit, and
Tatamagouche
10 You consider swimming to be an indoor sport
11 You can tell the difference between Canadian and American food
12 You consider nothing unusual about a weather forecast that says
"rain followed by showers"
13 You start wearing shorts as soon as the temperature gets above 5
Celsius (41ºF)
14 You switch from sneakers to sandals when it gets above 10
15 You know that anyone carrying an umbrella is either a wimp or a
tourist, perhaps both
16 You buy new sunglasses every year because you can't find the old
ones after not using them for such a long time
17 You carry jumper cables in your car, and your wife knows how to
use them
18 You refer to the four seasons as winter, still winter, road work
and deer-hunting
+++++++++++
International ATC
Submitted by Chas Newpol #2209
British Airways requests clearance for pushback
from gate.
ATC : "BA and where is the world's most experienced airline going
today without filing a flight plan?"
ATC: Alitalia 345 continue taxi holding position 26 South via Tango,
check for workers along taxiway.
AZA: Ali345 Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked ~ all are
working.
"Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for
10,000,requesting runway 15."
ATC (female): "Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what
he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06."
ACA1147: "Moncton, Air Canada 1147, can you get the winds from 167
above us?"
CZQM: "As soon as I get a chance, I will." Some time passes with
continuous radio chatter.
ACA1147: "Moncton, 1147, what are his winds up there?"
CZQM: "Standby for that, please." (More radio chatter)
ACA1147: "Moncton, can you ask company 167 for his winds?"
CZQM: "Ok, 1147 and 167, I have a little too much to do for that
sort of thing right now. I'll leave it up to you guys to go over to
company frequency and pass winds."
Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling
overhead, identify yourself."
ATC: Have you got enough fuel, or not?
Pilot: Yes.
ATC: Yes what?
Pilot: Yes, SIR!
ATC: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a
UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."
Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to
one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya."
ATC: (A few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots
now 1.5 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."
Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110
knots."
ATC: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now
1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots."
Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of
this here C-130 is?"
ATC: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."
ATC: "Cessna G-ARER What are your intentions?
Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots licence and instrument rating.
ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes, not years."
ATC: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
ATC: oh oh!
ATC: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain speed 250
knots.
USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that
speed?
ATC: All the way to the gate if you can.
USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019.
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019.
Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the
747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
Student Pilot: "I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the
big E."
ATC: "Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar."
(Short pause)
ATC: "Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you
turn to the big W immediately!"
Pilot: "Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you, at 12,000' and 40 DME."
ATC: "Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'."
Pilot: "Approach, 202's unable that descent rate."
ATC: "What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?"
Pilot: "Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours."
ATC: "...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of
the centerline on that approach."
Speedbird: "That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to
the right."
A deer is on the runway... so...
ATC: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
Student: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Instructor: "What do you think you should do?"
(Think-think-think!)
Student: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
Instructor: "That's a good idea."
(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
ATC: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
Student: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Instructor: "What do you think you should do?"
(Think-think-think!)
Student : "Maybe I should tell the tower."
nstructor: "That's a good idea."
Student: Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway.
(Long pause)
ATC: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runawy NN cleared for
immediate
departure.
(Two seconds, and then ~ I presume by coincidence ~ the deer bolts
from the
runway, and runs back into the woods.)
ATC: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake
turbulence,
departing deer.
ATC: "USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60.
(Pause)
ATC: "USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!"
(Pause)
ATC: "USA353 you're just like my wife ~ you never listen!"
Pilot: "Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right
name
you'd get a better response!"
Pilot: "Approach, Federated 303's with at 8000' for vectors ILS,
full stop.
ATC: "Unable Federated 303. The ILS is out of service."
Pilot: "We'll take the VOR then."
ATC: "Sir, the VOR's in alarm right now. Standby."
Pilot: "OK, guess it'll have to be the ADF then."
ATC: "303, unable the ADF right now for traffic saturation."
Pilot: "OK, approach. State my intentions."
BB: "Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet."
ATC: "Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude."
BB: "Because the last two times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been
run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!"
ATC: "That's a good reason. 8300 approved."
ATC: "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading."
Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..."
Pilot: "Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and
push-back, please."
ATC: "KLM 242 expect start up in two hours."
Pilot: "Please confirm two hours delay."
ATC: "Affirmative."
Pilot: "In that case, cancel the good morning!"
PILOTS.......
Submitted by Dick Reynolds #3563
One fine hot summer afternoon there was a Cessna
150 flying in the pattern at a quiet country airfield. The
Instructor was getting quite bothered with the student's inability
to maintain altitude in the thermals and was getting impatient at
sometimes having to take over the controls. Just then he saw a twin
engine Cessna 5,000ft above him and thought, "Another 1,000 hrs of
this and I qualify for that twin charter job! Aaahh... to be a real
pilot going somewhere!"
The Cessna 402 was already late and the boss told him this charter
was for one of the Company's premier clients. He'd already set MCT
and the cylinders didn't like it in the heat of this summer day. He
was at 6,000ft and the winds were now a 20kt headwind. Today was the
6th day straight and he was pretty dang tired of fighting these
engines. Maybe if he got 10,000ft out of them the wind might die
off... geez those cylinder temps! He looked out momentarily and saw
a B737 leaving a contrail at 33,000ft in the serene blue sky. "Oh
man" he thought, "My interview is next month. I hope I just don't
blow it! Outta G/A, nice jet job, above the weather... no snotty
passengers to wait for... aahhh."
The Boeing 737 bucked and weaved in the heavy CAT at FL330 and ATC
advised that lower levels were not available due to traffic. The
Captain, who was only recently advised that his destination was
below RVR minimums had slowed to LRC to try and hold off a possible
inflight diversion, and arrange an ETA that would hopefully ensure
the fog had lifted to CATII minima. The Company negotiations broke
down yesterday and looked as if everyone was going to take a dang
pay cut. The F/O's will be particularly hard hit as their pay wasn't
anything to speak of anyway. Finally deciding on a speed compromise
between LRC and turbulence penetration, the Captain looked up and
saw Concorde at Mach 2+. Tapping his F/O's shoulder as the 737 took
another bashing, he said "Now THAT'S what we should be on... huge
pay ...super fast... not too many routes...not too many legs...
above the CAT... yep! What a life...!"
FL590 was not what he wanted anyway and considered FL570. Already
the TAT was creeping up again and either they would have to descend
or slow down. That dang rear fuel transfer pump was becoming
unreliable and the F/E had said moments ago that the radiation meter
was not reading numbers that he'd like to see. Concorde descended to
FL570 but the radiation was still quite high even though the Notams
indicated hunky dory below FL610. Fuel flow was up and the transfer
pump was intermittent. Evening turned into night as they passed over
the Atlantic. Looking up, the F/O could see a tiny white dot moving
against the backdrop of a myriad of stars. "Hey Captain" he called
as he pointed. "Must be the Space Shuttle." The Captain looked for a
moment and agreed. Quietly he thought how a Shuttle mission, while
complicated, must be the-be-all-and-end-all in aviation. Above the
crap, no radiation problems, no dang fuel transfer problems...aaah.
Must be a great way to earn a buck."
Discovery was into its 27th orbit and perigee was 200ft out from
nominated rendezvous altitude with the Comm-Sat. The robot arm was
virtually U/S and a walk may become necessary. The 200ft predicted
error would necessitate a corrective burn and Discovery needed that
fuel if a walk was to be required. Houston continually asked what
the Commander wanted to do but the advice they proffered wasn't much
help. The Commander had already been 12 hours on station sorting out
the problem and just wanted 10 minutes to him to take a leak. Just
then a mission specialist, who had tilted the telescope down to the
surface for a minute or two, called the Commander to the scope.
"Have a look at this Sir, isn't this the kinda flying you said you
wanted to do after you finish up with NASA?" The Commander peered
through the telescope and cried Ooooohhhhh yeah! Now THAT'S flying!
Man, that's what it's all about! Geez I'd give my left nut just to
be doing THAT down there!"
What the Discovery Commander was looking at was a Cessna 150 in the
pattern at a quiet country airfield on a nice bright sunny
afternoon.
Boy, I'll tell you...pilots are never happy unless they are drinking
beer and looking for a better job!
Supermen of Flight
Cle Cox #3536
The Airline Transport Pilot leaps tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a 747, is faster than a speeding bullet, gives policy to God, but will stumble at the sight of a Stearman.
The multi-engine Pilot leaps short buildings in a single bound, is more power-ful than a 707, and is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water, talks to God, but will often loose engine sync. and prop pitch if a Stearman appears on the horizon.
The Commercial Pilot barely clears a Quonset hut, loses tug-of-war with Twin Engine Aircraft, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well and is occasionally addressed by God, but will roll his eyes at the sound of a radial engine, shows signs of speech impairment and fear at the term "ground loop".
The Private Pilot makes high marks when trying to leap buildings, is run over by Stearmans, and sometimes handles an airplane without inflicting self-injury, can dogpaddle in water, talks to animals, but will often stare at a stick in wonder and disbelief at "tailwheels".
The Soloed Student Pilot runs into buildings, recognizes a Stearman two out of three times, is issued a parachute, can stay afloat if properly instructed, and talks to water.
The Non Solo Student Pilot falls over door sills when trying to enter buildings, says " look at the two winger airplane ", wets himself with a water pistol , and mumbles to himself, and looks for encyclopedia on hearing such terms as dope, cotton and inertia crank.
The FAA Examiner lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks airplanes out of the hangar, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and chews them, and freezes water with a single glance. The FAA Examiner is God.
The A&E, when asked to work on a Stearman, runs backward at the speed of light and has nightmares for weeks.
An IA, after re-certification of a restored Stearman, requires extensive therapy and a slow transition back to society.
A Stearman basket case owner is divorced, has few friends, a vocabulary restricted to the Stearman manuals, lost all touch with the outside world, thinks Loyd Stearman was a saint, Deed Levy a Greek God, the S.R.A Flying Wire , a Bible, and when actually dreaming of ever flying a Stearman is often arrested on suspicion of drug possesion.
A Stearman Pilot is taller than a tall building, has to wait for speeding bullets, flies through water, and often gives God a ride.
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