Humor from Our Members
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To all members: Most of what you will find on this page is not aviation humor but much of it relates to our ages, our infirmities and our hobbies. If you see something on the Internet that you find clever or something that may give us all a chance to smile, send it to us and we’ll put it on this page. Below are some starters.


Learning How to Fly


Monday: Rain.

Tuesday: Rain.

Wednesday: No rain; no visibility either.

Thursday: Take instructor to lunch.Discover I don't know enough to take instructor to lunch.

Friday: FLY! Do first stall and second stall during same maneuver, cover instructor with lunch.


Monday: Learned not to scrape frost off plexiglass with ice-scraper. Used big scratches marker to set pitch.

Tuesday: Instructor wants me to stop calling throttle "THAT BIG KNOB THING." Also hates when I call instruments "GADGETS".

Wednesday: Radios won't pick up radio stations, so I turn them off. Instructor seems to think I missed something.

Thursday: Learned 10 degree bank is not a steep turn. Did stall again today. Lost 2000 feet. Instructor said that was some kind of record. -- My first compliment.

Friday: Did steep turn. Instructor said I was not ready for inverted flight yet.


Monday:Instructor called in sick. New instructor told me to stop calling her "BABE". Did steep turns. She said I had to have permission for inverted flight.

Tuesday:Instructor back. He told me to stop calling him "BABE", too. He got mad when I pulled power back on takeoff because the engine was too loud.

Wednesday:Instructor said after the first 20 hours, most students have established a learning curve. He said there was a slight bend in mine. A-ha--progress!

Thursday:Did stalls. Clean recovery. Instructor said I did good job. Also did turns around a point. Instructor warned me never to pick ex-fiance's house as point again.

Friday:Did pattern work. Instructor said that if downwind, air base, and final approach formed a triangle, I would be perfect. More praise!


Monday: First landing at a controlled field. Did fine until I told the captain in the 747 ahead of us on taxiway to move his bird. Instructor says we'll have ground school all this week on radio procedures.

Tuesday: Asked instructor if everyone in his family had turned gray at such an early age. He smiled. We did takeoff stalls. He says I did just fine but to wait until we reach altitude next time.Three Niner Juliet will be out of the shop in three days when the new strut and tire arrive. Instructor says his back bothers him only a little.

Wednesday: Flew through clouds. I thought those radio towers were a lot lower. I'm sure my instructor is going grey.

Thursday: Left flaps down for entire flight. Instructor asked why. I told him I wanted the extra lift as a safety margin. More ground school.

Friday: Asked instructor when I could solo. I had never seen anyone actually laugh until they cried before.

Charles Newpol #2209
The answers are below, but don't cheat.

01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, "Who was that masked man?" Invariably, someone would answer, "I don't know, but he left this behind." "What did he leave behind?_______________________

02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on the, ______________________show.

03. Get your kicks, _______________

04. The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed ___________

05. In the jungle, the mighty jungle,_________________________

06. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the_________________________

07. N_E_S_T_L_E_S, Nestle's makes the very best, _______________

08. Satchmo was America's "ambassador of goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was,____________

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking?__________________

10. Red Skeltons hobo character was ________________________. and he always ended his television show by saying, "Good night, and______________"

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam war did so by burning their_________

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front, was called the VW. What other names did it go by?____________________&_____________________

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music died." This was a tribute to ___________________

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it; it was called ______________

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist; it was called the ___________

01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan show.
03. Route 66
04. to protect the innocent.
05, The Lion sleeps tonight.
06. The limbo
07. chocolate.
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch.
10. Freddy the freeloader, and "Good night, and may God Bless."
11. draft cards (the bra was also burned)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly
14. sputnik
15. hoola-hoop

Pilot Rules
Frank Jones #3414

The only two things a wingman should ever say are:
1. Two's up.
2. Lead, you're on fire.

And in a multi-place aircraft, there are only two things the copilot should ever say:
1. Nice landing, Sir.
2. I'll buy the first round.

As a new copilot on a bomber I was told to say these three things and to otherwise keep my mouth shut and not touch anything:
1. Clear on the right.
2. Outer (marker) on the double (indicator)
3. I'll eat the chicken. (Crew meals consisted of one steak and one chicken to avoid possible food poisoning of the cockpit crew).

About Pilots:
1. As an aviator in flight you can do anything you want... As long as it's right... And we'll let you know if it's right after you get down.

2. You can't fly forever without getting killed.

3. As a pilot only two bad things can happen to you and one of them will.
a. One day you will walk out to the aircraft knowing that it is your last flight in an airplane..
b. One day you will walk out to the airplane not knowing that it is your last flight in an airplane..

4. Any flight over water in a single engine airplane will absolutely guarantee abnormal engine noises and vibrations.

5. There are Rules and there are Laws. The rules are made by men who think that they know better how to fly your airplane than you. The Laws (of Physics) were made by the Great One. You can, and sometimes should, suspend the Rules but you can never suspend the Laws.

6. More about Rules:
a. The rules are a good place to hide if you don't have a better idea and the talent to execute it.
b. If you deviate from a rule, it must be a flawless performance. (e.g., If you fly under a bridge, don't hit the bridge.)

7. The pilot is the highest form of life on earth.

8. The ideal pilot is the perfect blend of discipline and aggressiveness.

9. About check rides:
a. The only real objective of a check ride is to complete it and get the bastard out of your airplane.
b. It has never occurred to any flight examiner that the examinee couldn't care less what the examiner's opinion of his flying ability really is.

10. The medical profession is the natural enemy of the aviation profession.

11 The job of the Wing Commander is to worry incessantly that his career depends solely on the abilities of his aviators to fly their airplanes without mishap and that their only minuscule contribution to the effort is to bet their lives on it.

12. Ever notice that the only experts who decree that the age of the pilot is over are people who have never flown anything? Also, in spite of the intensity of their feelings that the pilot's day is over I know of no such expert who has volunteered to be a passenger in a non-piloted aircraft.

13. It is absolutely imperative that the pilot be unpredictable. Rebelliousness is very predictable. In the end, conforming almost all the time is the best way to be unpredictable.

14. He who demands everything that his aircraft can give him is a pilot; he that demands one iota more is a fool.

15. If you're gonna fly low, do not fly slow! ASW pilots know this only too well. (Amen)

16. It is solely the pilot's responsibility to never let any other thing touch his aircraft.

17. If you can learn how to fly as a 2nd Lt and not forget how to fly by the time you're a Maj. you will have lived a happy life.

18. About night flying:
a. Remember that the airplane doesn't know that it's dark.
b. On a clear, moonless night, never fly between the tanker's lights.
c. There are certain aircraft sounds that can only be heard at night.
d. If you're going to night fly, it might as well be in the weather so you can double count your exposure to both hazards.
e. Night formation is really an endless series of near misses in equilibrium with each other.
f. You would have to pay a lot of money at a lot of amusement parks and perhaps add a few drugs, to get the same blend of psychedelic sensations as a single engine night weather flight.

19. One of the most important skills that a pilot must develop is the skill to ignore those things that were designed by non-pilots to get the pilot's attention.

20. At the end of the day, the controllers, ops supervisors, maintenance guys, weather guessers, and birds; they're all trying to kill you and your job is to not let them!

21. The concept of "controlling" airspace with radar is just a form of FAA sarcasm directed at pilots to see if they're gullible enough to swallow it. Or to put it another way, when's the last time the FAA ever shot anyone down?

22. Remember that the radio is only an electronic suggestion box for the pilot. Sometimes the only way to clear up a problem is to turn it off.

23. It is a tacit, yet profound admission of the preeminence of flying in the hierarchy of the human spirit, that those who seek to control aviators via threats always threaten to take one's wings and not one's life.

24. Remember when flying low and inverted that the rudder still works the same old way but hopefully your IP never taught you "pull stick back, plane go up".

25. Mastering the prohibited maneuvers in the Natops Manual is one of the best forms of aviation life insurance you can get.

26. A tactic done twice is a procedure. (Refer to unpredictability discussion above)

27. The aircraft G-limits are only there in case there is another flight by that particular airplane. If subsequent flights do not appear likely, there are no G-limits.

28. One of the beautiful things about a single piloted aircraft is the quality of the social experience.

29. If a mother has the slightest suspicion that her infant might grow up to be a pilot, she had better teach him to put things back where he got them

30. The ultimate responsibility of the pilot is to fulfill the dreams of the countless millions of earthbound ancestors who could only stare skyward .and wish.

Pilot humor
Robert L. Ervin #3517


Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ..I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing!
(Sign over the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan).
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
(Paul F. Crickmore -test pilot)
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.
(From an old carrier sailor)
If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe
When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ...the pilot dies.
Never trade luck for skill.
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?" "Where are we?" and "Oh Shit!"
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to
successfully complete the flight.
A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.
I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries
Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten. Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII:
When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible.
The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; can just barely kill you.
(Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.
(Jon McBride, astronaut)
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.
(Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down.
(Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).
"What is the purpose of the propeller? The purpose of the propeller is to keep the pilot cool. You don't believe that? If the propeller stops, watch how the pilot starts to sweat."
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and, a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but surely someone who's been there)
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
Basic Flying Rules:
Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

An oxymoron

is a rhetorical figure in which incongruous or contradictory terms are combined.

From:  Charles Newpol #2209

45. Act naturally 
44. Found missing 
43. Resident alien 
42. Advanced BASIC 
41. Genuine imitation 
40. Airline food 
39. Good grief 
38. Same difference 
37. Almost exactly 
36. Government organization 
35. Sanitary landfill 
34. Alone together 
33. Legally drunk 
32. Silent scream 
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd 
29. Business ethics 
28. Soft rock 
27. Butt Head 
26. Military Intelligence 
25. Software documentation 
24. New classic 
23. Sweet sorrow 
22. Childproof 
21. "Now, then ..." 
20. Synthetic natural gas 
19. Passive aggression 
18. Taped live 
17. Clearly misunderstood 
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life 
14. Temporary tax increase 
13. Computer jock 
12. Plastic glasses 
11. Terribly pleased 
10. Computer security 
9. Political science 
8. Tight slacks 
7. Definite maybe 
6. Pretty ugly 
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake 
4. Diet ice cream 
3. Working vacation 
2. Exact estimate 
1. Microsoft Works (!!)

 "Blasts from the Past"

The other day I picked up a copy of his essay collection, "Tom Dodge Talks About Texas." Well, one of those little pieces sent me off on a reverie almost immediately. It was about Big Jim Tidwell of Whitney - "The Fender Skirt King of Texas."

And I thought, "Fender skirts!" What a great blast from the past! I hadn't thought about fender skirts in years. When I was a kid, I considered it such a funny term. Made me think of a car in a dress.

Thinking about fender skirts started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice. Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs."

Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first.

You kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.

Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.

When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake."

I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the "foot feed."

Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.

"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "worldwide" for granted. This floors me.

On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered their hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.

When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?" It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company. So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply "expecting."

Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cackled. I guess it's just "bra" now.

"Unmentionables" probably wouldn't be understood at all. It's hard to recall that this word was once said in a whisper - "divorce." And no one is called a "divorcee" anymore. Certainly not a "gay divorcee." Come to think of it, "confirmed bachelors" and "career girls" are long gone, too.

Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure- '60s word I came across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!

Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffeemaker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.

I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "ElectraLuxe." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"

Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening their kids with castor oil anymore.

Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most - "supper."

Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.

Bring back any memories?

I Like words
Bill Schoneberger,
Editor "Aileron", So. Cal Aeronautic Association

1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 

2) The farm was used to produce produce. 

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 

4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 

10) I did not object to the object. 

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 

3) They were too close to the door to close it. 

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number. 

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? 

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor is there ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. 

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. 

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, or meat. 

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? 

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? 

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. 

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? 

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. 

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? 

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? 

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. 

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. 

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. 

P.S. Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"? 

Heard over Tower Radio at Bagotville, Quebec, Canada.

First voice: "Roger, I'm holding at 3,000 feet over Bagot Beacon."

Second voice: "You can't be doing that. I'm holding over Bagot Beacon at 3,000 feet."

Long pause

First voice: "You idiot. You're my copilot."


Serious Golf 
Frank Jones #3414

A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing;the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. 

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked "Are you a good golfer', to which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - 

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here"?

He looked her right in the eye .... and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told that there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play today.

Finally, the assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked him how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said, "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have, is getting out of sand traps."

And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th, they were all even. The Pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and two-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the cup. Birdie, match and all the money!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said: "nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"

Replied the octogenarian "I do, would you please give me a hand."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.

She pauses, reflects, and then she says, well then, let it read "Fred Brown died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries.

She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, "Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale."


A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband."

The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week.

The 78-year-old husband replied, "Which days?"

The doctor answered, "Monday, Tuesday, and Friday would be ideal."

The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday, but on Tuesdays and Friday I golf, so she'll have to take the bus."

From: Seymour Kahn #3566

With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day reaching $188.00, there is a better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn for a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount of $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for : 
1. Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want,or room service.
2. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth of tips a day and they will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
3. There is a City Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The Handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). 
4. To meet other nice people, call a Church bus on Sundays.
5. For a change of scenery, take the Airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice Restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere, otherwise the cash keeps building up.
6. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your Reservation today. And you're not stuck in one place forever - you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
7. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too. 
8. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
9. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance.
10. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. 
11. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool.

What more can you ask for?

So: When I reach the Golden age, I'll face it with a grin. Just forward all my mail to: me@Holiday Inn.

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Robert "Bob" Long, Executive Director
Ron Cowles, Webmaster